they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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