Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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