matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
