Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
