I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
