Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
