I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
