Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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