You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
