I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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