You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
