Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
