I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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