Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
