so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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