Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
