She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
