i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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