Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Sorry about my life...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
