broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
