At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
