I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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