dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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