I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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