my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
