dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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