There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
