Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
