i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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