did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
