He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I've blown a few things in my day
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
the day after is always just damage control
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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