i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
