i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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