my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
