Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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