my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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