I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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