Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This is my life. Enjoy the view
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
