Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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