Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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