She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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