so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
