i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
