Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
