If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
