he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
