Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
