I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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