I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I didn't notice because vodka
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
