her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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